I decided to start swimming this year and I did it; I regularly go two or three times a week. It was my counsellor who recommend exercise to me as a method of stress relief and as an anti-depressant. Since these seemed pretty good reasons to me they provided motivation to do it. And I like it. And Im good at it. On Friday a Canadian told me that learning French would be useful if I wanted to go to Montreal one day, I didnt think of it much at the time. Then on Saturday morning I woke up and thought Im going to learn French. Then on Sunday I brought a couple of books and started. Both of these occasions were not dramatic, but they both had the same quite resolve feeling. That feeling that I know I want to do this, its no big deal, its no big battle, I just know I want to do it, I know I can do it and I will do it. I dont expect quick results because these are lifestyle commitments.
How much of life can be like this? Are all choices this simple, just find some reason and then just do it. Know the benifits and go for it. Dont expect to change quickly, but make a lifestyle commitment. Decided this is how i am going to live for the rest of my life. I am going to exercise for the rest of my life. I am going to speak French for the rest of my life. I am going to seek god for the rest of my life. I am going to choose purity for the rest of my life. Im going to study the bible for the rest of my life. Know the benefits and do it.
Though I want to learn French, I realise maybe I’ll get bored of it, maybe I wont like it. But I’ll give it a go and I’ll see, I didnt buy expensive books because Im just in a trial phase. The same went for swimming, in the beginning I brought a 12 swim pass because even though I knew It was good to exercise how could I know if I would actually stick with it. I had a trial phase and then I brought a 12 month pass. For these choices I wasnt put off by the fact that I might not be able to keep it up, I didnt let that stop me, in fact it didnt occur to me as something to stop me from trying only something to make me cautious of over investing at the start.
Yet with many another battles I face I think to myself its too hard, I wont make it even if I try. I am too weak. Even if god is strong enough, I can not be relied upon to use his strength. I am to stuck, lust is so much a part of me, porn is so much a part of me, homosexuality is so much a part of me. I sin time and time again every day. Part of it is that I have tried and I have failed and I think I’ve done the trial period and it didnt work. But I guess that means that I need to tackle things from different angles.
Often I make things into a bigger battle than they need to be. This is mostly because instead of seeing the reasons why I want to do something I keep holding desperately to why I dont want to change. Its so hard. Its not easy. I want to feel good. I want the porn. I want to feel loved by men. I want sex. I get caught on these feelings and any other opinion has to do battle with them. Often loosing or coming to an indecisive truce characterised by hostile tension tearing me all over the place.
Anyway what I’m trying to say is that I have proven to myself that I can make sensible practical choices about how I want to live. But I need to translate this ability into areas I have traditionally struggled to make changes.
I think my newest lifestyle commitment is going to be this: writing more/reflecting more. In what ever form. Probably mostly a private journal and blogging. I think Im a person that needs to make this commitment. I think that it would be as health for my mind as swimming is for my body. Like swimming I think It needs to be two to three times a week. I think it will help me to express thoughts and feelings that get so trapped inside that I feel like im going to explode! It will help me to be thoughtful about life rather than just letting it happen. It will help me decide what I actually want, rather than just making choices that are purely emotion driven. It will help me track life. It will help me record life to look back on and remember and see where I used to be. And in all these areas it will help me seek god.