Failure

July 8, 2008

All I can say right now is that there is so much frustration in me.

I am sorry: I blog so intermittently that you’d think I might have learnt something in-between posts. Ya know – grown as a person, gained new insights and understandings; then graciously illuminated your conscience to these profound lessons. Alas: frustration, anger, little resolution and lack of progress.

Although dear reader, perhaps It may more correctly be said that at least “I” think I should have learnt something. For this is an example of how I often make assumptions about what others may think. When really who am I to imagine your words and take away your own true voice? My apology only stems from that inner judge who condemns my struggles. That judge who I want to beat over the head and say let me learn to fail! Let me be ok with failure! (oh how the judge cringes with that last statement).

When I hate my failures so much I never deal with them.

Dealing with them is actively avoided! I hide from them behind a mountain range of entertainment and various time fillers. In doing so I hide from god, from friends and from myself. I rob them all of a Justin truly alive. A Justin who can learn to love and not live only for himself.

I don’t know if you actually are…

April 24, 2008

A couple of weeks ago a friend from work invited me to a “gay party”. I was surprised. She started off by saying “I don’t know if I am right about this but there is a gay party on tonight, if you want to come I will be going”. It was weird because I had never talked to her about sexuality. Somehow she just guessed and then instead of actually asking if I was gay she invites me to a gay party. She then says “I don’t know if you actually are . . .” leaving a gap for the key word. To which I reply “neither do I”. “Well I don’t know if you feel ready for that yet, but you are always welcome”. Then she goes on to warn me of all the weird people that will be there (later she surprisingly recants and says how normal it was! Haha). “I didn’t realize I was so obvious” I say, she simply replies with “We have a radar” (she’s bisexual I think). I’m thinking I must have shown up on that radar when I told her I like Mariah Carey and Jane Austen.

I was knocked over by this and couldn’t really work properly for the rest of the day. I was very curious to go, just to meet some people. But I was torn because it felt like I would be stepping down a path I still wasn’t sure about. I felt forced to make a decision about an issue I haven’t resolved. After much tooing and frowing I didn’t actually have to make a decision because I was completely exhausted and couldn’t go out even if I had wanted to.

Anyway, there will be more parties and I am open to attending. I don’t really know many gay people and would like to meet some. A lot of good friends have moved to other cities this year, this, along with a reduced involvement in church has meant I have more free time to meet new people. It has been nice to spend more time with those outside my usual church circles. In some cases this has simply meant meeting people in different church circles! For example I went to a house warming party with a workmate who goes to a different church to me. There were lots of elderly people there and I realized how I don’t actually know any older folks! I made an awesome sticky date pudding and totally rocked the party!

Cheerio

Tomorrow – a day!

February 16, 2008

Today I lived a day shadowed by the night before in which I surfed porn till the early morn. Tonight I am turning up my music louder than hearing requires, it dulls the pain of my loathing. Tonight (and yesterday and the past 8 months) I’ve been watching TV shows on dvd to run from dealing with life. Do do do so I don’t have to think think think about all my options – none of which I like.

Tomorrow is a just another day that today, last night and the rest of life make me not really want to do. Still, tomorrow is coming anyway and it will be what I make of it. The difficulties will be there: the loneliness and hunger, the anger and frustration, the self hatred and fear. These suppressed parts of me that, when I cant be bothered, surge to the fore of my heart and mind, depressing and frustrating me. I suppose they will always be there until I get over it and love myself. I must remember that it is my life. Tomorrow is my life, my day – a day! Somehow and some way I shall find the joy in it. I shall seek the joy of all the things. I shall be who I am and I shall be it as much as I choose.

Difficulty is reality, it is part of life. It is not a reason to clam up. But oh how clamming is my favourite response to all my doubts! I am fleeing from their opinions and questions, their honest and authentic lives. Not because I don’t want that, but because I hate myself and I cant explain it to anyone! Because I’m gay and I cant justify it to their Christianity. Because I was a Christian but am not sure I could be called so anymore. Because there are too many opinions and interpretations, too many knowers of the actual, one and only, True Truth. I only want one way! What happened to my simple one way Jesus, what have I done with him? I have lost him and I am lost – without answers or explanations to tell anyone on any side of a fence why I am not on their side. Ugh, there is too much to spill out in this post. Good night today. Tomorrow you are still mine.

Liking your best friends is frustrating.

July 30, 2007

Uh! God I love him. And him. How much is it OK to feel towards your straight mates? Probably less than what I feel. Cause sometimes I want a full blown relationship. I really care about these guys. The closer I get to my male friends the more I end up falling for them. All of a sudden I find them attractive. These are the sorts of guys that I could imagine spending the rest of my life with. The sorts of guys I want to see every day. Even though they know I’m struggling with my sexuality, it doesnt seem to occur to them that I like them. Why should it, for some reason they still think of me as one of the guys. Yeah they know I don’t like many “guy things” like sports, cars and girls, but still they treat me like a normal guy. And I’m not complaining, I’m so grateful that they do!!! Its one of my biggest fears that when I “come out” to a friend they’ll start treating me more like one of the girls. That they will start to tame their affection from fear of giving me the wrong idea. I’m glad that this hasn’t happened but sometimes I wonder if it would be good if it did. Would it help me to keep my thoughts in check and approach a relationship with less selfishness and more real love of a brother and friend?

Part of me wants to tell them I like them, wants to just get it off my chest. I know no romance is gonna come out of it, I know that . . . but still I wish I could just tell them and I wish they could just be cool with it, not freak out but just accept it as something that is, not something that has to be acted upon. I just want them to know. I want them to know how important they are to me and how they make me feel; although, admittedly I could do that without a confession of attraction. Its funny this compulsion to express feelings, why cant I just keep it to myself, why do I feel the need to tell others and express it? Especially since it would probably make them feel uncomfortable, it would be kind of selfish to tell someone how I feel without any concern for how my words will make them feel. Additionally it would probably make them check there actions more and I would feel a bit rejected by such changes At the moment I dont think I will tell them because I like being treated like a normal guy and from reading other blogs with stories of similar situations, telling a straight friend you like them doesnt seem to turn out so well. Instead I will figure out some other way to show I love them, something they will appreciate more than an awkward confession.

Empty

July 18, 2007

There is an emptiness; I have a hunger; I thirst. Nearing the end of the day, welling up with in me, an emptiness sits on my chest. As if to answer it a whirlwind of sex, touch, men, hugs and kisses clamours in my mind. The emptiness cries out for a man to go home to, it says “if only I could . . .” “if only I had . . .”.

God I have this emptiness, and I think the right answer is that nothing apart from you can fill it, feed it, quench it; that only you can fully satisfy me. I am quite lost as to how you would do that. But I am not lost when I imagine how I might do that, I know that to hug someone I care about makes me feel good, and it partially satisfies that hunger. Feeling close to someone, feeling that my closeness is not repulsive but is special to them also. Such acts of affection warm me. And sex I see as the closest of the closest; the most powerful affection – strong enough to overcome that emptiness. I say overcome because maybe it wont fill it, but at least it will compete for my emotional attention and mask it. So even as I imagine how I might try to be happy, I come to this end and cant say that I think it is a perfect solution. I think If I chose to live my way over yours I would live a life of something being better than nothing. And to be honest, something is better than nothing. Nothing is this place I am in now where I find it hard to trust you and hard to completely write you off.

With longings and desires, inside I am pulled to my keens because I can not act upon them. I can not cross the lines I want to cross. I am pulled to my knees inside because I want to wrap my arms around his neck and rest my chin upon his shoulder and kiss him on the cheek. But since I will not cross this line, I am either left frustrated still wanting it, or I am left falling to my knees inside and asking “god is this you I actually need right now? Is it you I need to know who loves me?”.

I dont know how god chooses to fill peoples emptiness, I dont know how his fountains of “living water” work their powers. Whether it is an effect that you immediately recognise or whether it is something you only realise as having occurred when you retrospectively analyse life. I imagine god could act indirectly and use many things to fill that emptiness, perhaps even some of the things that I would have used myself. Or he could act more directly, with his tangible presence, with miracles, or by speaking in various ways. I suppose that when I dont know something, it is worthwhile to trust that god knows and that he is my provider.

A prayer

June 24, 2007

What I think I want is what I can never have. God my prayer is this: if I should not seek a man, If you will not bring him to my life – then help me. Help me to live completely satisfied. Fill my emptiness. Quench my thirst; fill my hungry heart. Show me your love. I just don’t know your love. Perhaps I just don’t see it. So open my heart, and some day may I feel it emotionally. To feel is to know. You know me, you love me. You know the pathway into and out of my darkness. But I don’t know you. I have herd may tales about you, and once I thought I knew you, but now I just cant intellectually understand you. In fact god, so often this year I hardly know why I go to church. I don’t go sometimes. But I do at other times hoping to find some piece of information that will shine the light and break open the moody skies I live under. Speak to me when I seek you. Show your form, show your love. Am I just one in 6.5 billion to you? Just another human you made. Of course you have to love me, you are god. You do everything right. I wish I could feel you delighting in my uniqueness, I wish I could hold your hand – and not feel like I am but a fraction of your interest. And what of the selfish things I do that I am most ashamed about, that I think would disgust my friends. In my lust I fill my longing heart with what is not given to me, what is not mine to have. So what do you say of this, and what do you say of me, and how come forgiveness as a word doesn’t change me? Where is forgiveness as a revelation, as an experience and a feeling! I need some break through. My belief in you is hanging on a hope that one day I will actually know you. But how much longer can hope in hope last for? Someday I need to have hope in things more solid: hope in your character, hope in your love, hope in your guidance and hope in your provision.

Its a choice that is a way of life

June 20, 2007

I decided to start swimming this year and I did it; I regularly go two or three times a week. It was my counsellor who recommend exercise to me as a method of stress relief and as an anti-depressant. Since these seemed pretty good reasons to me they provided motivation to do it. And I like it. And Im good at it. On Friday a Canadian told me that learning French would be useful if I wanted to go to Montreal one day, I didnt think of it much at the time. Then on Saturday morning I woke up and thought Im going to learn French. Then on Sunday I brought a couple of books and started. Both of these occasions were not dramatic, but they both had the same quite resolve feeling. That feeling that I know I want to do this, its no big deal, its no big battle, I just know I want to do it, I know I can do it and I will do it. I dont expect quick results because these are lifestyle commitments.

How much of life can be like this? Are all choices this simple, just find some reason and then just do it. Know the benifits and go for it. Dont expect to change quickly, but make a lifestyle commitment. Decided this is how i am going to live for the rest of my life. I am going to exercise for the rest of my life. I am going to speak French for the rest of my life. I am going to seek god for the rest of my life. I am going to choose purity for the rest of my life. Im going to study the bible for the rest of my life. Know the benefits and do it.

 Though I want to learn French, I realise maybe I’ll get bored of it, maybe I wont like it. But I’ll give it a go and I’ll see, I didnt buy expensive books because Im just in a trial phase. The same went for swimming, in the beginning I brought a 12 swim pass because even though I knew It was good to exercise how could I know if I would actually stick with it. I had a trial phase and then I brought a 12 month pass. For these choices I wasnt put off by the fact that I might not be able to keep it up, I didnt let that stop me, in fact it didnt occur to me as something to stop me from trying only something to make me cautious of over investing at the start.

Yet with many another battles I face I think to myself its too hard, I wont make it even if I try. I am too weak. Even if god is strong enough, I can not be relied upon to use his strength. I am to stuck, lust is so much a part of me, porn is so much a part of me, homosexuality is so much a part of me. I sin time and time again every day. Part of it is that I have tried and I have failed and I think I’ve done the trial period and it didnt work. But I guess that means that I need to tackle things from different angles.

Often I make things into a bigger battle than they need to be. This is mostly because instead of seeing the reasons why I want to do something I keep holding desperately to why I dont want to change. Its so hard. Its not easy. I want to feel good. I want the porn. I want to feel loved by men. I want sex. I get caught on these feelings and any other opinion has to do battle with them. Often loosing or coming to an indecisive truce characterised by hostile tension tearing me all over the place.

Anyway what I’m trying to say is that I have proven to myself that I can make sensible practical choices about how I want to live. But I need to translate this ability into areas I have traditionally struggled to make changes.

I think my newest lifestyle commitment is going to be this: writing more/reflecting more. In what ever form. Probably mostly a private journal and blogging. I think Im a person that needs to make this commitment. I think that it would be as health for my mind as swimming is for my body. Like swimming I think It needs to be two to three times a week. I think it will help me to express thoughts and feelings that get so trapped inside that I feel like im going to explode! It will help me to be thoughtful about life rather than just letting it happen. It will help me decide what I actually want, rather than just making choices that are purely emotion driven. It will help me track life. It will help me record life to look back on and remember and see where I used to be. And in all these areas it will help me seek god.

I submitted my thesis!

May 11, 2007

Hi guys, sorry for the hiatus, I have been very focused on my thesis the past couple of weeks and havent really been thinking about God or my sexuality much, hence the lack of posts. I submitted my thesis for marking on Monday (7 May) and am extremely relieved that it is all over! Honestly when I realise I never have to work on it again I feel like crying with relief, and at other times I just want to hug everyone I know! I havent written about it much here, but my Masters has been the biggest challenge I have ever been through, it turned out to be a lot harder than I expected and took me 1 and a half years longer to complete than I expected. But I made it!!! I am glad that I did it and I did enjoy it and learnt a lot, it just became very mentally and emotionally draining.

It has even been a bigger burden than the struggles with my sexuality. But that is because I mostly avoid having to deal with my sexuality properly. However the time of avoiding it is over and now that my mind doesnt have to deal with my Masters I know I can focus more of my attention to God and to my sexuality. But first I just need a break from thinking about anything deeply, I really am sick of trying to figure things out. I just want to take it easy for a few weeks.

2am forever

April 16, 2007

What do you do when its 2am and you really want someone to tell you they love you?

You can look at porn.

You can try ignoring the desire.

You can explain it away – you dont need anyone else’s love, you are strong enough on your own.

You can pray and ask god to help you deal with it

You can write a blog post and get it off your chest.

I half heartedly try the last four

What do you do when its 2.22am and you want to be in physical contact with another person?

You can do any of the five previously listed options

This time maybe I should try praying a little harder

God, I understand that you understand everything. Do you understand me? *sigh* rub face, deep breath, *sigh* . . . repeat several times.

What do you do when its 2.43am and your a bit tired, wondering why your up trying to do work that isn’t happening cause you keep getting distracting thoughts.

I keep fighting until I’ve achieved something and then go to bed.

Friends

April 13, 2007

Well its cold and well its wet and windy and I feel tired. I feel guilty for procrastinating. I just want comfort. I want a comforter. A warm bed. A pillow. A book. A friend. A lover. I just want to be in the presence of someone who loves me. Sometimes when I’m in this mood I want porn, but not today. Well I surfed the net a lot today and didn’t do any work on my thesis but I’m going home anyway and I’m gonna try not hate on myself. I’m gonna fall into the arms of my bed and read :) and then recharged I’m going to enjoy Brooke Fraser in concert with a good friend, and I’m going to enjoy the dinner with others before hand. If nothing else I’m happy to know such great people and I will seize every moment I have with them. Funny though that even with good friends in my life I can feel lonely at times. It’s hard to go to people when you need help. It’s hard to know when you should or when you should just deal with it yourself. I hate having to go to others when I feel lonely, I hate feeling so needy. I feel like if they really cared I wouldn’t have to go to them, they would come to me. But then the world doesn’t revolve around me does it. And once again I wish I didn’t fell like I needed others, I wish I could be self sufficient in love for myself. But I know that no man is an island and that we are made to live in relationship, its just hard knowing how much to let others impact you.


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